In Memorium; Missed Chances

It's 12:35am and I realize that there is nothing that is getting me to sleep, so I should go ahead and write.

My service uniform is pressed and ready for the morning, I am not. I realized as I lay staring at the ceiling that the person that I am going to say goodbye to for the last time was a friend that I have crossed paths half a dozen times over the last very hard years of my life. The first was when I thought that someone was trying to break into the house that I was renting when I first separated from my now ex-husband and called the police. The very calm and kind dispatcher directed me to take both my children into one bedroom and wait for the officers to arrive. I did so with a baseball bat in hand. She remained on the phone with me and let me know when the rap at the door was them. To my surprise when I pulled open the door the first serious faced officer quickly cleared into a very familiar smile, one very unmistakable one that I remembered very well, and I said "Sgt. Yung?" and he said "Paz?" We both laughed and he said "well, it's Officer Yung now." He went on to continue the job at hand and found no actual disturbance, though I am certain there had been at some point. We both agreed that maybe it was best if my shepherd took up residence in my backyard from then on, which he did and I had no issues from then on. He left me his phone number to call him and meet up with him and his wife again, which we had hung out together in our Marine Corps days years before and I said I would. He went on his way and I said goodnight.

I didn't call him, I was embarrassed at where I was in my life, my problems, my drama. I hated talking about it to people. If I didn't have to run into people and explain how terrible things were, I didn't. So I didn't call him back.

A year later I was back in court dealing with more court issues with my ex, custody or visitation or some issue related to it. The hearing time had been delayed so I had to wait. As I waited, I walked towards the bathrooms and saw all the county police corralled waiting for court to begin. And who did I see, but my old friend again Officer Yung! I jabbed at him and asked what trouble he was getting himself into and we chatted about why I was there, more ex-husband issues and how his family was doing. Three children now and his wife had joined the force! Just then he was called into court and that ended our chat.

The following year I ran into Officer Yung, Chris, again at court... as you can see my life is riddled with court, and we chatted again. I never did call him though he did tell me to. I think I just had always assumed that I would just see him again the next time I was there, I mean I am always there.

There are times when I think God gives a sign to stop and look at people who are there and in our lives because there are few opportunities that you are given and once they are gone, they are gone. I cannot look back and say with regret I should have called him back and made those connections because that time has passed. I am thankful that I was able to serve under him in the United States Marine Corps and as a friend got to experience what an incredible person he was. Chris served our country in the United States Marine Corps, he was an Officer serving our local commity proudly, a father of three beautiful children, a devoted husband, a brother and friend to countless people. He will be missed. Rest In peace.  
 

Meltdowns, Rages and Moving Forward

 

The meltdown. Its something that no parent of a child on the spectrum is alien to and we certainly are not immune to them. Kiddo has a number of meltdown triggers, social triggers like kids bugging him or calling him names or having to do a presentation in front of the class or sensory triggers like the seams of his socks or a particularly thick emblem on a shirt. His biggest meltdown trigger by far is transitions. Since the holiday season is chock full of changes in schedules, visits to and from family that otherwise don't usually happen and many other changes, we seem to live in a state of holiday meltdown chaos.

Lately, and I feel like it shouldn't surprise me, but it still does, I have been noticing the after effect of the meltdown. I have heard from other parents of kids on the spectrum and read things to the same effect so I know it's not just so weird kiddo thing. He rages during his meltdown and says pretty horrendous things. Sometimes I try to reason with him because he is ten now and very intelligent and knows what, for the most part, he is saying, what it means and how impacts a person. Sometimes those things are directed towards the person who triggered the meltdown if there is a social component and its in the realm of "I hope they get hit by a car...etc." it goes on from there and can get pretty dark and graphic. I am used to it, but in mixed company it can be shocking and even frightening to hear a young boy say such things. Sometimes he tries and succeeds breaking things all in his rage. I don't excuse the behavior but do try to get him somewhere else where he is isolated and can't hurt anyone or anything including himself. At home he has his room in other settings it can be a little more challenging.

Such was the occasion during the holidays and some family got to really hear some of the more "colorful" things that he has to say about people when he is in full meltdown. I get really nervous about allowing him to be around others when I know he isn't calm and in control of him emotions and is just letting things fly. I get so nervous that I will be judged because other than his behavior he appears to be a normal child and so many people still see this "on the spectrum" stuff as speculative. I know in my bubble that we all know that kiddo has high functioning autism and that is the reason for all this, but if you just walk in off the street and see this kid he just seems like an angry child who is gonna grow up to mow down college kids on some university campus.

I guess that's the whole thing about parenting though, typical or special needs, at some point weather with your own family or outsiders, you will be judged. I think what surprised me this time around was that ten years down the line I just assumed that my skin was thick enough to not care anymore, guess not.

So after the meltdown subsided and the party who was present to the meltdown and shocked by the things kiddo had to say and do was standing by, I told kiddo " maybe you should go say your sorry for saying all those horrible things in front of him, huh?" Kiddos response was "what? What things? When, I don't remember saying bad things." I pressed a little more but then let it go. It came back to me, kiddo blacks out when he is raging. He remembers nothing that he says or does. It's not unique to him, I have heard other kids on the spectrum do the same.

Later we did discuss the incident again and I addressed it like this:

"Kiddo, remember when you were riding in the car into the city with the family and you were really angry?"
"No"
"Ok, lets go back a little. Do you remember being back at Grandma's house?"
"Yes."
"Good. Remember how we were talking about how you were feeling so mad about being with MacLeod's kids and you didn't want to go anywhere?"
"Yes."
"Great, you remember when you put your jacket on and we walked outside and got into the car with Grandma?"
"Yes."
"Do you remember driving up to the city after that?"
"No."

This is the progression that I use to see where he loses things and goes into overload. This particular incident I wasn't physically with him, which I really regret because I couldn't really monitor him and see where he lost it. I felt completely comfortable with him being in the hands of my mother, I know she knows how to talk to him and he responds to her. But he was so amped up about this situation that he completely blacked out in his rage and hate to have him in a situation like that without me present. After we had our discussion and figured out exactly where he blacked out, I went on to discuss with him about how we are going to be moving on with some new therapy and testing to help him work through these rage moments so that he doesn't get to the point that he is blacking out during his meltdowns and maybe and hopefully minimizing the meltdowns altogether. He agreed that he was angry a great deal of the time and he wasn't happy about how he felt.

So the holiday time was a big eye opener for us not just in a watchful eye of others on us, but also in getting us to move towards a place where we need to be to get to the right people for kiddo. I think we have resisted because we have known that it was a lot for him to take on, but its time to get him the help he needs now.

Holiday Scheduling and Special Needs

Hap-happiest Time of the Year!

It had been a very long time coming, Christmastime. It was inevitable. The time of year where everything becomes haywire, like the summer, schedules fly out the windows and through your very best intentions nothing goes according to anything close to what you had planned.

This year MacLeod's kiddos would be coming for Christmas for the first time ever to stay with us. Last year when we both talked about it we smiled and thought how amazing it would be to have our family complete, one whole unite. Somewhere along the along the line... I think it was the memorable summer vacation trip we all took together and the various new versions of kiddo's Apsie meltdowns I was party to, the magical feelings wore off.

For me, the holidays are by far my favorite time of the year and it starts with our absolutely bizarre obsession with Halloween and rolls right into Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year it doesn't end ringing in the New Year because we are finally celebrating our actual wedding in February! We are super excited and it gives us the opportunity to extend the, err, magic of the holidays.

Well, except they have been a little less than magical.

 

I also don't want you to think that this was all an issue of MacLeod's kids, because it wasn't, it was EVERYTHING. See, MacLeod, my dear, my love, is not a planner. So he sort of fails to tell me what certain things are going on when it has to do with when things are going on and where people are going to be and when. My family on the other hand... well, my family plans things out very carefully especially since we had family visiting from overseas. I think my favorite (and I use that with ever so much sarcasm) line of the Christmas Eve car ride was "I was pretty sure I told you about it." Umm, no.

So...Kiddo, wow. Well, this blog is about us living with Asperger's... but wait can it still be that since Asperger's no longer exists? What? That is a discussion for another blog entry and I know I am behind the ball on that one, alas... another day. So, kiddo and the holidays. We have had to do hoards of prep work to get him ready for the holidays which is why I could have KILLED MacLeod when he sprung things on me or changed things around at the last minute. Kiddo has a very hard time dealing with MacLeod's kiddo in his living space because of past events. For starters they are simply said, polar opposites, we say that my kiddo is fire and MacLeod's is the fuel. Additionally during previous visits his toys, legos (he peseverates deeply on his legos) and other personal items have been broken or gone missing or damaged. This is a huge problem for him. So in therapy the few weeks leading up to the visit from MacLeod's kids, mind you his therapist was sitting awake at night worried as much as I was, we made plans to deadbolt his bedroom closet and put all his toys in there and anything that was broken or lost or damaged I promised would be replaced. It only made him feel slightly better and some may think that is a ridiculous way to approach it but the amount of anxiety that he had about the coming visit was so high, I just didn't know what else to do. MacLeod said one day in response to the locking of the closet "can't we put it on the top of a shelf where they can't reach?" Umm, hon' they aren't toddlers anymore, that will not work.

We had a few moments with all the kiddos together a particular book light that was broken and the meltdown that followed which I did remind him loudly twice that it would be replaced and it quelled the fury. The next day and a half was filled with "when will we get a new book light?" until the book light was indeed replaced, but it was the only casualty of the actual trip.

The one thing that supremely surprised me and something that I will attribute to work with his amazing therapist was Christmas Day. Leading up to Christmas Day, his interactions, just hours at a time with MacLeod's kids had been at best "ok", at worst of extreme meltdown property. On Christmas morning kiddo walked up to me as I was getting my breakfast casserole put together to get into the oven before MacLeod got back with his kiddos (who were staying up north about 30 minutes from out of state) and before MacLeod's parents arrived. He sat down on the stool by the counter and said "mom, (*big sigh*)remember in therapy we said if I did really good with [MacLeod's kiddo] that I could get Angry Bird's Star War's on the iPad?" I said "yes, I do, but it hasn't been so great, has it?" He said "yeah, I know. But maybe if I am good today, do you think maybe I could still get it?" He looked at me and smiled. Well, geez, who can resist that? Of course I said yes. "If you can work really well with him today and not fight or be really mean or nasty, then yes, I think I can do that, ok?" He nodded and walked off with that little smirk on his face like he just got one over on me.

He sat on the floor for the next 30 minutes starting his new Lego set and I heard him actually say "Maybe [MacLeod's kiddo] can help me with this set when he gets here!" What?! Is this the twilight zone? Nope, when MacLeod arrived, Kiddo actually started to engage with MacLeod's kiddos and was nice! It didn't last the entire day, but he was actually trying very hard. I mean its only so long that Fire and Ice can interact properly, but it went really well. I could not have been prouder of him.

As it turned out in the end, all of our preparations were for not, because complications on the other end of the spectrum (ha! very punny!) meaning MacLeod's ex, made it so that his kiddo's only ever step foot in our home once. We did have lovely beds for them set up and all and made TONS of preparations for them to stay with us, but for kiddo it was a sigh of relief.  

We still have New Years to go... as my friend said the other day it's been a December to remember, to which I replied... or forget  :)

Merry Christmas... and a Happy New Year!!!

A Triumpant Return? Yes!

Over the last several months things have been increasingly hectic and I have meddled with the thought of just shutting down this blog all together. We have had so much going on with the kids and at home that I didn't think that I could possibly give as much to the blog as I really should to keep it going the way it ought to.

A few weeks ago I was at church and my wonderful pastor was doing a sermon about time and managing your time and money. It doesn't sound so much like a sermon, but it was great. See, you only are going to put your time and your money in places that are ever so important to you and you are going to stretch it as far as it needs to go if it is that important to you.

Like the church and making tithes and offerings, you will make a commitment to give to the church because what you have is only what the Lord allows you to have, the time I have is what God gives me and I do feel like this blog is something that I can give back to others. So, with that, we will continue to blog as best as we can and we do love to do it! I hope that wasn't too preachy... if it was, well my friend, find another blog, lol!